Moving Forward

1st Real Post

I am still learning about writing here so please be patient. Thank you.

My world turned completely upside down and sideways, 3 days before my 65^th birthday.  That was the day I died.  Someone asked me if I had seen God but I couldn’t remember if I did.

I had some very bizarre dreams though.  But more of that later.

I was put on respirator and spent 6 weeks in the ICU.  I had all of the worst of Covid-19.  I ended up on dialysis for 2 weeks also.  I spent 2 ½ months in a regular hospital.

After that I went to a tracheostomy rehab hospital, or as I felt, hell on earth.  I was still on the ventilator and I spent about 2 months trying to wake up and come back to my world.  At that time I was completely closed in my body. I could not speak, or use my hands to communicate in any way.

While I was in the ICU the nurses didn’t have time to worry about getting me physical therapy.  I never knew that they started physical therapy while someone was still in ICU.  Being in the wrong position with my elbows bent the ulnar nerves in both elbows were impinged and turned my hands into claws, completely useless.

I was so weak and every muscle in my body atrophied, including my hands.  I will never have those muscles back in my hands again no matter the surgery or how much PT.

I was unable to use the call button so I couldn’t call for help when my throat needed to be suctioned.  When you have a respirator the secretions can build up and you can choke to death.  Not something to ignore.

Since I couldn’t call for help all I could do was pray.  I prayed constantly.  There were times that I was taking my last breath that someone would come in. It was God’s intercession that saved me, by God’s hands only.  God sent the right doctors and nurses. I kept myself from panicking in those situations because wasted breaths would take my life.

The point I am trying to make is that God was always with me.  There were many times I wasn't happy with what was done to me but my attitude was my responsibility, not God’s.

I shared rooms with some of the worst behaved patients at the hospital.  I guess because I was so quiet and I didn’t cause problems.

Finally, I was given a call button that all I had to do was to push the large pad.  Unfortunately I would accidentally push the button a lot.  One aide was particularly mad at me that she took it away from me.  Not the right thing to do when you can choke to death.

I have been sort of a people pleaser all my life, not to extremes but enough.  Having said that I also learned early on to like everyone.  It just made things easier, when I thought that way I wasn’t bothered by people.  I wasn’t perfect but I tried.

These traits helped me succeed in the rehab center.  I have always smiled as much as possible.  When I came into the rehab center, still out of it, but I smiled at the respiratory therapist.  He later told me he knew I was going to make it.  From just a smile!

I didn’t deliberately try to think about how I was going to survive.  I just decided to survive.  I just kept going through every day, every hour, and every minute.  I had always just got up when I got knocked down and kept going.  I don’t know any other way.

It took 2 months of lying in bed like a limp dishrag I finally started to wake up.  I can’t remember the exact moment I woke up, I was awake. 

What was so awful about being in a vegetative state able is that there is nothing you can do but lie there and keep thinking and thinking.  It was eternal thinking.  I am bright and to spend most of my time reading and writing but to not be able to any of it.  I was going crazy in my self-enclosed tomb of silence.  I couldn’t even twiddle my thumbs, use computer equipment or even change the channels.  On top of not being able to change channels they didn’t have very good channels, maybe 12 in all.  Then to make matters worse the network was not very reliable.  I couldn’t even be bored appropriately.  I hate mainstream media but I was stuck listening to it at 6 a.m. at twice the volume. I couldn’t ask them to turn it off.

Fast forward.  I did slowly get better but I was like an infant.  I had to relearn how to raise my arms and to move my legs.  So weak.  The first time I tried to stand was a failure. 

My hands were not only claws but my left wrist flopped.  I couldn’t hold my hand up. 

I wanted everyone to see how completely dependent on God we truly are.  The most important idea about God is that He is always there with us.  We are never alone. 

The goal of my Substack is to show that no matter how far we fall God is always with us and we can improve.  Before Covid my email address was jul_diamond@yahoo.com. I am in the process of changing to a new email.  JulieKellz is the nickname I received from my favorite soldier that I adopted with the volunteer group called Soldiers’ Angels.  A very worthy organization.